Two parts of the article:
'The Enlightenment as it is' and 'The Enlightenment as it is not' represent processes taking place in the organism of the man who experienced that what is called the Enlightenment.
In the first part stormy processes which took place after 'the event' are described. The second part tells about the ending or the quieting.
These processes - psychophysiological and physical - do not touch or have influence on that what has been uncovered, on the Ever presenting Atman. That what had been uncovered was completely new and this newness is permanent ever since. That what has been uncovered is invariable, though.
'The Enlightenment as it is'.
Awakening…
All that had happened didn't depend on me but I was present as 'I' which is present Everywhere. The differentiation between I and 'I' is imaginary. The existence doesn't know any differences, only 'advaita' exists: All is equal to all, All is united, All - just is.
All that has happened is more than words can tell. That's why all that you'll read are just words that do not reflect the essence. You need to know it by yourself to understand it. Willing to do and doing are different. 'Go somewhere to find something...'
Everyone who went found. Good luck.
Sergey.
I met Sergey for the first time in the middle of 2005. His story about experiencing 'samadhi' where 'Sat-Chit-Ananda' (Being-Awareness-Bliss) without any thoughts was didn't interest me a lot. He considered this state the highest and the final awakening being the same but lasting permanently. Sergey felt regret for not staying in this state for a long time. At the same time I felt a confidence of a practicing man in him. His phrase 'Have to toil!' stuck in my mind... So we parted.
In about half a year our mutual acquaintance called me and told that something had happened to Sergey, 'everything collapsed'. When I came to Sergey's place I saw a completely different man. Something indescribable was coming from him... peace, bliss. I felt that Sergey vanished to it... He laughed and told how easy it was, how close Enlightenment was but he had been running from it for 51 years...
Oleg.
- Sergey, tell about your path.
Usual life of a soviet citizen. Lived in a small town, studied in a usual school, like everyone... Life wasn't satisfying. But there was something inside where one can 'go'... I decided to live my way and everything else didn't matter. The time to leave 'the system' had come. It was in 1986. I said: 'I'm not interested to walk with you' and gave them my party card.
As far as I can remember I was always practicing - beginning with boxing, then Tai Chi, Aikido. I immediately realized that Tai Chi is something deep and it turned out to be true. For the last 25-30 years I have been leading groups, went to Wushu festivals, met Chinese people from Peking, Shanghai.
Then we went to Latvia. In a biblical school I learned 'pray in other languages' and had the experience for the first time... This practice is deeper than I thought, it's like mantra.
In 1999 we returned to Russia. My wife, Oksana, began going without food - heard from somebody and decided to try. I went with her. After 30 days of hunger 'sahaja samadhi' happened. Understanding of self, of body, what is important and what isn't came. I wasn't going without food to achieve Enlightenment, it was somewhere... but it wasn't like so that everything was laid out and clear. There were books by Castaneda, Osho... came across something, something was thrown out... Then I got a book by Ramana Maharshi and realized that he talks from there. For 6 years I have been considering that if a state of 'sahaja samadhi' consisting of several powerful moments lasts forever it would be the Enlightenment.
- When did the Enlightenment happen?
...'Spiritual crisis' happened in the end of 2005, it began twist roughly from November, in Piter. I realized that there was a reason for everything only afterwards. Different meetings, video with Papaji's sat sang. They asked: 'Is Papaji enlightened or not?' I told: 'I know a state of 'samadhi' only and don't know if he is enlightened. Why do you care? You have to toil!' I was practicing 'other languages' all the time, daily and nightly. Wake up in morning, thoughts haven't even started and I start to 'bla-bla-bla'...
All happened at January, 29. I was sitting in the room reading Papaji's book. No more practices, nothing... Aliska (2 years old daughter) was playing, Oksana was busy with something. I remember a moment when Oksana took Alisa in her arms - I noticed it out of the corner of my eye, and everything came to silence. At that moment I was reading about Papaji explaining something to the man who had been to many ashrams. So, everything got silent... I don't remember the moment and when I saw the consequences, from the outside and within me, it was like a silent atomic explosion. It looked like a mushroom cloud with many surrounding circles. The space waved - I really felt and saw it. I was divided: mind-body and 'I'. The understanding came: 'It doesn't matter what body-mind is doing, I know WHO I AM. That's it! I know! I got everything!!!' I was laughing and crying: 'How stupid I was, how couldn't understand, the Enlightenment is so easy!' You are laughing without stop after that. ...Then I saw a colorful and 3-D picture: here stands Papaji (father), then Ramana Maharshi (grandfather) and then Arunachala behind him. That was my line of succession. I understood Who is The Guru whose Grace showed - Maharshi. (Everything was recalled and analyzed after a several months from the described events).
- Why so easy?
It is so easy because you don't participate in it and all Masters say: Guru, Guru, Guru's Grace. Yes! Guru, Guru only...
- What was next?
Linear memory began to vanish after some time. Can't remember the major part of the past life, tried hard - useless. Shell has vanished, body, lay down like water into water... Psychophysics started to change, inside, outside. The eyes started to 'vanish', began watching somewhere from there, through self. Osho told: 'The enlightened one doesn't watch with eyes, he watches through eyes'. I watch not only through eyes but through the body also. Everything became transparent. Permanent bliss but not like in 'savikalpa samadhi' when the bliss is leisured, it's different.
Usual world began to suppress, but there's nowhere to hide. Social environment became hard - I didn't notice some things before but now they 'come' directly - there's no more border between 'world' and 'me'. World became brighter, more colorful, very noisy, loud...
Though the Enlightenment happens instantly, as Papaji says, in a fraction of a second, the processes in body-mind may last for years. You cannot confuse these two things: knowing Self, Atman, and psychophysiological changes in mind-body that are happening permanently.
I was sure that one can describe everything before. Now I understand that this cannot be described. All the descriptions are faded and rough and I can't describe the moment at all.
- Was there a thought - I achieved it?
It just happened. 'I' that achieves something disappeared, it is gone...
- Why did it happen exactly to you?
I have decided long ago that didn't need the life as it was. And I was searching... can't say it was 'me' because that what searches is something inside us. It is Guru who takes a man; it doesn't matter if one understands it. I didn't understand; I was resisting. You lose everything: attachments, concepts, ideas, money, status... Everything becomes uninteresting. I always say trivial things that path is like cloakroom and one comes to God not only naked but without skin. And until man doesn't put it off, really, nothing happens.
- So, a 'spiritual crisis' is necessary?
If you compare Enlightenment to boiling one can 'heat' himself to 99 degrees only. The last degree is 'added' by Guru. Papaji always saw a 'ready' person at sat sang. He told Ran: 'Sit here and you'll get'. And when Ran asked about pain he felt force coming from Papaji. Papaji gave this force permanently but only Ran felt it, and it happened to him... So, something preceded it. Long practicing, hard situation in life, something else. And that happens also: you practice, and the social environment around you twists. All the time in conflict with yourself, people, events... At least that was with me...
- And why does it happen this way?
I don't know, it seems that Guru determines. One Zen master tells: after a long meditation teacher said: 'You have to meditate for a month more'. Month passed - nothing happens. While situation is twisting and twisting... At last teacher said: 'If Enlightenment doesn't happen in three days you'll go and kill yourself' (because you're practicing too little, etc). And it happened in three days...
- Do practices 'lead' to the Enlightenment?
All the practices are within mind, absolutely, and they can't lead you outside. I said many times that the Enlightenment is the Grace of Guru. Many people can feel the state of 'observer'... It's like you stretch out the rubber and look at body-mind; but still there is a link. One is like hanging on a string and only Guru can tear it.
- Did Guru come to you?
Sure. If you fall into Guru's clutches he won't ever let you go. One knows it, guesses, makes his relations, argues with Guru. It's normal - it lasted for me for 7 years. But Guru is necessary. He is the force we lack. One can practice to distraction... Say, Ramana... when he was asked: 'Why don't you come to people, preach?' he answered: 'Why do you know? The fact that I'm sitting here, by this mountain, doesn't matter anything'. He came to Papaji and said: 'Go south, there's sadhu who will help you'. A 'ready' man, and this force knows, sees... I understood afterwards that you can't set Guru yourself - Guru comes on his own.
- Well, if you have needs...
Needs are not enough, you have to work, to toil. You have to achieve Guru. I believe it must be a real search, and then everything will happen. Juan told Castaneda that a man must want to become a warrior, and that's enough. And until you have this 'I want'... but it shouldn't be a declaration, it should be real... I thought why did it happen to me? - Because I wanted it!
- Papaji said the Enlightenment is easy, you assert that one should 'toil'?
Papaji told to 'ready' people, not to everyone. It could be dozens, hundreds of people at his sat sangs, but he was interested in only a few among them. He was talking to them. His statement that the Enlightenment is easy and can be obtained in a moment took its effect on the ready people.
- And how did you 'toil'?
The esoteric way is very easy - it is a constant doing. Just do, that's all, say, Tai Chi. I didn't invent anything. Yan Chen Fu said 'do this - get that', I did. Say, 10000 iterations, for about 3 hours, I was standing and 'thrashing'. The way itself took 51 years, 7 months and 29 days for me...
Remember Juan saying to Castaneda: 'Want to know a secret? All depends on having the inner force. Look, all of this is me. And what happened inside you? Nothing. You don't have enough inner force. If you had enough one word could reverse your 'self'. Otherwise I can open all knowledge of the world to you, and that would be useless'. So, everything is very simple - no mystics, the practice is to crystallize the inner force, the will.
- Was there a fear of everything crashing around, everything familiar crashed?
No, I never felt fear.
- So, was there some kind of renunciation?
No, no renunciation. I've had a hard life. I'm not a brave person but desperate. I was dashed many times: physically, mentally, morally, financially. So what?.. As Juan said: 'It doesn't matter if you lose a battle, there're many of them, the thing is not to give up'.
- What can you say about morality development: in the beginning, in the middle, in the end...
Morality, development, beginning... all of them are here. I mean, the Enlightenment has nothing to do with them. You can talk about whatever you want, and there will be duality. There is no even 'advaita' in Atman, no time, no space, no state of being 'here and now'. I mean, they say to be 'here and now' - it's bullshit. I am nowhere, not 'here and now', and not there. That's why morality is only a feature of this world.
- Interesting, it's a common belief that if one doesn't go to monastery within 7 days after his Enlightenment he can die.
I understand, it's hard to look after yourself in this state. You cannot do anything physically, mentally - there's no memory, especially within first three months. I didn't understand what is going at all. You have to wake, make money, while there's a permanent wish to go to a cave. Ramana had been standing for 6 weeks, and went to Arunachala. It's said in his biography that he couldn't put on a loin-cloth on his own. Ramana recalled: 'I 'return', open my eyes and somebody gives me a 'mash' - milk with bananas'. He swallowed the food and 'went away' again. Body-mind changes its structure, physics, physiology. Zen monasteries are made especially for such people. The monks even have a direction: if the Enlightenment happens, they should go to monastery for defense. But it is individual, everyone has his own path... for example, I didn't have peace, and do not have till now. Everything happening to this body-mind is built into its way.
- What is the Enlightenment?
Well, 'Enlightenment' is not a very correct word, in fact Atman is always present, everyone is enlightened. Ramana said one have to know self, not meaning body, mind... but that what is real, Atman...
Another thing, enlightened, not enlightened - these words were invented by someone. Ramana even said that the words 'realization', 'self-realization' do not match very much. Shock, understanding, decomposition, separation, awakening, anything you like... Opening the inner eyes, dissolution of the inner eyes...
- Dissolution of the inner eyes?
Yes, my inner eyes dissolved. When it happened, I began seeing from here (Sergey raises his hands a bit above ears). It's hard to describe physically. Something inside dissolves. When it happened, this place became like a black eye. I can characterize it - no more efforts of the eye muscles. I mean, the eyes became tired before, I could feel muscles - now this feeling is gone. Then the body dissolved... it is empty there. It's hard to tell. These are the consequences of the process only, an attempt to describe it in some words. In fact I'm rarely asked about it. They ask about everything, want to know about death, space... everything but knowing selves. I was always interested in process happening to one. I wanted to find out what happened to Osho, Ramana. ...Ananda Maya didn't feel her body and if she wasn't fed, wasn't being looked after she won't eat. I mean this moment, she doesn't feel her body. Then I read Ramana's statement that a usual man knows his bodiness and a wise man knows his bodiless state - he have to recall his body. And I don't remember it. And it doesn't exist, something moves but it's not like before - I used to feel muscles. To do something I have to return to this state. Recently, at a Tai Chi seminar, I told the guys that it's very hard for me to recall my astral body. I do not have this body, and when you don't have something you can't talk about it. Old memory tries to bring it back but it's not very successful.
- How does the Enlightened one see the world?
Atman includes all (mind-body, phenomenal world) in it but it is behind all. And my first realization was: 'It doesn't matter what body-mind is doing, I know WHO I AM. That's it! I know!'
- It happened, and that's all?
And that's all. I am There, roughly speaking. I have no life after this 'event'. Only that moment exists, and I 'live' in it. There's no time or space in Atman, backwards or forwards do not exist. I am in that moment permanently. I mean, nothing is changing, more than year passed, and everything remains the same. I didn't understand how the Enlightened one lives, why he eats or drinks. I've read that Ramana refused his coffee when he saw that someone didn't get one. What coffee? He is Enlightened! I don't understand; or Ramana said: 'Thoughts come and go away'. I was thinking: 'What thoughts? I didn't feel anything in 'samadhi'. Absolute silence - no thoughts, and peace - a pair of them, silence-peace or being-awareness'. That was all my stupidity. That what happened is beyond all of this - it is very important. And these words: 'me', 'mine' - they should be marked out, they are wrong. It's not 'I', not 'me' - only for talking. I do not exist as such...
- Do any changes in the understanding of body-mind happen?
Body-mind still lives simultaneously, and it has its own messes, remnant tendencies, dimnesses. The process goes independently from me, and it will go further this way. You need to remember that everything happens in Atman, and meanwhile It is beyond all of this.
- This transparent presence, is it something real?
I call Atman transparent presence. Transparent presence cannot be understood logically at all. I see the world through myself, see myself through myself. It's crazy, absolute contradiction. Absurd. It's interesting that eye sees simultaneously itself and the world through itself.
All is transparent in this transparent presence, and my body isn't an exception. There're several things written about it. I think, Osho said that when Alexander the Great came to India and offered a sannyasin to go with him, but sannyasin refused. 'If you don't go with me to Greece, I will cut your head off', - said Alexander. 'Cut it, and we will together watch it falling down', - sannyasin replied. Like that.
- Tell about 'samadhi'.
'Samadhi' is a different state in which mind-body temporarily is. I can't say it is a different state of consciousness. It is rather a different perception of the world because consciousness doesn't change - it is what it is, Self-realizing. I experienced two kinds of samadhi (you can find descriptions of more kinds in the literature): 'savikalpa' and 'sahaja'. 'Savikalpa samadhi' is very pleasant, beyond human bliss. In 'sahaja samadhi' there are silence-peace-bliss. These are the temporal states (except 'sahaja nirvikalpa samadhi' - this phrase is used to name an Enlightened's state). This is the principal difference between the Enlightenment and 'samadhi'. I can make a quotation of Ramana's words: 'Sadhaks rarely understand the difference between the temporal mind-calming and the permanent thoughts-destroying. In manolaya there's a recession of mind waves for a period, and though this period may last even for thousand years, temporarily calmed thoughts will rise as soon as manolaya stops'.
- Is the Enlightenment linked to body-mind?
Nothing is linked to Atman because Atman is impersonal, indeterminable, none, etc. I mean, when one gets, roughly speaking, enlightened it happens to mind-body, in mind-body and with mind-body's help. And the Enlightenment is the moment of transition, the moment of decomposition. I.e. the Enlightenment is linked to body-mind. I call Enlightenment the moment of breach or explosion but it's a verbal definition only. It is a consequence that can be described only. The moment itself is inexpressible; furthermore it is indescribable with words or definitions. I use the word Enlightenment for convenience. We could use the word Kjensjo just as well. As it is written in the 'Essay on the Dharma pulse' which is attributed to Zen patriarch Bodhidharma: 'If you want to master Buddha's way you should achieve Kjensjo'.
The Enlightenment is indescribable with words (while you can describe 'samadhi'). I.e. saying 'increases till infinity' or 'unity of all existent is achieved', etc we don't clarify anything. When one knows he loses ability to speak and to describe. As Ramana said: 'State named the Enlightenment is just being Self and not knowing something or becoming something. You cannot describe this state, you can only BE it'.
'The Enlightenment as it is not'.
The Enlightenment is the Grace of Guru.
The Enlightenment is instant and eternal. Nobody is needed to confirm it.
One asked a Zen master:
- 'Master, who did you do when you got Enlightened?'
- 'All was over... I went to order a cup of tea'.
Diary records.
October, 18, 2007.
I have no mind, no free will, no body, etc. Because that what I am doesn't own mind, will, body, world... and so on...
October, 19, 2007.
Psychophysiologic, psychic state before the Enlightenment is very interesting. Ramana said, but I didn't understand! Interest while reading the book shifted to Chapter 1 (about Atman). Everything else in the book became a bit uninteresting. But this state of incomprehension!.. This is a state before jump, before something that is to happen. It will happen in a while but you do not have any suspicion of the very event (what is to happen... and when). Something just goes wrong...
October, 20, 2007.
'See and feel' my transparency almost permanently. It may be the effect of Tai Chi but it's rather that the processes came to this state. I don't even have to do the form of Tai Chi now because I am in this transparent state permanently. Do not even have to 'think' of it or to recall the state of body.
Couldn't find definition for how I look or 'feel', for what I am and the world I see is - the unity of them or the birth of both - for a long time. The definition of Sun as radiating 'outwards' and illuminating everything or giving birth to everything through this illumination(?) fits. Being-Process, Doing-Birth-Staying at the same time... But all of this is just a description with words; I can't pass on that how it really is... Besides, the transparency of the material (physical) world, its illusiveness, i.e. it's like not true, etc, etc.
October, 27, 2007.
I live in 'that World' where the space and I are the same. Where there is no time and only Being is... And this is a simple life. There're no social dogmas, duality and lies connected to them in it.
October, 30, 2007.
Today 'it left me totally'... Everything is Atman... It seems that messes have ended (of body-mind: logically-physiological, body-glitchy, etc).
October, 31, 2007.
Thoughts were outside of me! It seems that some processes have started since October, 29. It's like everything has turned out... Hard to say how it is. I used to be like inside (swelling sun, may be...) and now I am outside - cannot describe. Not localization in the body but outside it, 'volume localization'. Rather feeling or I-am-that-outside and body-mind left without 'me'... (very hard to express!) It's on his own (state-seeing) without 'my' effort... Going outside the limits, no borders, etc (all these are the psychophysiological reactions of this organism only).
'Thinking' inside doesn't bother. Keeps silent 'very easily'; the body is somehow different, it is like dissolving (it used to ache very much before and now there is a pain-feeling... plus an absolute fearlessness - no human reactions on psychic and body destroying, can't express... fear doesn't exist as an emotion(?). Not in human understanding...). This year is a year of body-mind dissolving, it is!
For a few days (today too) I was thinking that the processes of Enlightenment had ended... there was a feeling they had because something started changing rapidly. (Explanation: it's about processes in body-mind).
November, 3, 2007.
About my state. Something happens... And something has changed... no effects. Everything just is like as nothing has happened - the Enlightenment, that act or fact. State - either I just live or I just am (but breathe with both nostrils!). Something happens to the eyes, in the head. Cannot describe because this state or being is too EASY! - like nothing has happened to me (although it has...). It's too peaceful or I am this peace. I as a body, I as something... cannot describe and express. Peace or happiness of peace... When I look onto this world... I am peace(?) No thoughts, or they're expressed slightly, or they're very 'faded'... Like everything has ended: life, death, being, social life - All... and All this is besides me - nothing touches, there is only peace.
Life is a weird thing because you cannot 'live', everything is being done without 'my' participation, you can only Be Present... and I am this Presence...
November, 4, 2007.
The Enlightenment comes when one has nothing left... Explosion, breach, flash, insight, as you like... and nothing can be 'taken' back! That bodiless creature which one becomes... how can it take anything! There are no arms, no legs, no body, no mind.
November, 5, 2007.
It's hard to write because always in suspicion - the children. The state is surely peculiar now. Like everything has ended - enlightenment, not-enlightenment, life, death... ALL! I am - nowise and I am - noone. There is nothing and at the same time there is everything around that used to be. Words: impartiality, not-involvement, indifference... don't reflect anything. This I and all that happens to it and in it - are completely different. Everything is, and I am present in it too but the sight is not from the outside (it's wrong to say that) - the sight is from nowhere, it's more correct. Not only the sight, there is presence, simple presence. How right is Ramana! - 'Simple being is the highest state!' Just Being Self.
Can't describe state in one word. There's something peaceful in it. I am quiet, quietness, peace... (but it is something completely different from what people mean by it).
Knowing Atman, not-knowing Atman, Knowing Self, not-knowing Self... All this is bullshit, and it doesn't bother. Questions, answers, searches - all this - is bullshit! There is only what Is, and I am it. This state or process of being cannot be described. Ramana is right - one can only Be it! And this is so Simple!
Advaita - Advaita Vedanta - knowing Advaita (non-duality). I do not know Advaita - I only know Self but this is wrong too. You cannot know Self! If it were so there would be differentiation. That's why knowing Self, not-knowing Self, Advaita, not-Advaita, etc - are just words.
November, 6, 2007.
A year and 9 months have passed! Or 21 months, exactly (29.01.06.-29.10.07) - and all my enlightenment ended! I become a usual man but with unusual Knowledge. Everything became very simple! Or there's nothing left that prevented this simplicity. I often recall Castaneda's don Juan (2nd book, chapter 5) saying about controlled stupidity and man of Knowledge. It is like that! Everything just Is! I, that Is, existence - all are the same, and the processes in body-mind are just present as everything else around. I am and am not simultaneously, but this I is invariable. That's all!
November, 7, 2007 (to 'Intuit').
I rejected Papaji and all the enlightened that were beside him (on videos) at once. Total unacceptance! This is impossible! He said such a things! 'The Enlightenment is easy', 'it takes less than one second', etc. There was nothing of enlightened in him and them! They were simple, common, and talked simply and dull. My rejection of this was total and sincere at that time - it was too easy! I couldn't know that I would become like them in a month! And Papaji will become Papa for me, 'The Old Wise Turtle'... and I will be watching same videos for days but everything will become completely different!
The Enlightenment is not understandable! It is unreal to understand! Impossible! There are no marks of difference! The Enlightened are common people, they do the same things that everyone does. There is an invisible barrier for understanding... The difference is huge but you cannot determine the Enlightened one from a usual state!
There can be no Enlightened from mind! Call yourself Enlightened not experiencing Enlightenment... what a pity!
I thought there are no more Enlightened ones after Ramana, Buddha and Zen masters! It's to incident with Papaji and 'his enlightened ones'.
About my state. All these transparences, glitches, effects and other bullshit of mind-body-organism left. It's easier to breathe even! (joke)
The Enlightenment... Mind-body, social life, emotions and desires, worlds and universes, and all, all, all... So! The Enlightenment is behind all of this! And at the same time the Enlightenment IS ALL OF THIS!
Advaita. When by the Grace of Guru the barrier veiling the Reality is broken it becomes absolutely clear that all is ALL! No duality. No differentiation on elemental pieces even, their energies and their radiations and other human ideas. The Enlightenment is the Realization that all is ALL!
November, 8, 2007.
Readiness for the Enlightenment.
My readiness is not my problem. My problem is - I want it! Readiness will be judged by Guru. How can a man determine if he is ready or not? No way!
Before 'the Event' happens everyone has his own opinion about the Enlightenment and the Enlightened. I had mine too. How funny it is to recall it now, such a nice silly delusion. And an unpleasant disappointment! For instance, I was very surprised to know that Ramana died from cancer! Then I found out that Buddha died from dysentery! But I endured this news 'easier' because it came after 'the Event'. You want to label Enlightened ones with holiness, miraculousness! And they turn out to be usual people... You can see only the body! But how can you see Other? The eyes are closed!
Since the time when 'the Event' happened to me by the Grace of Guru I talk only about this 'Event'!
I'd read somewhere that a Zen master (Keisen?) answered all the questions yelling: 'Beat the drums!'
Please send your notes on this translation to Igor Zakharoff